I took the ten year-old and his weird little friend fishing again today. I hooked my freaking finger right when I got there so I threw the damn rod into the wagon and pulled out my Best Life magazine. It’s Men’s Health for guys over 40. I’ll be 45 on New Year’s Eve.
So anyway, my finger bled a little bit and I couldn’t remember the last time I had a tetanus shot. I must have gotten one during one of my physicals, right?
So I had my iPod Touch with me and went right to Google. HOLY CRAP! It can KILL you. I’ve got three to seven days before my jaw starts to hurt and then lock up on me. How am I supposed to remember back ten years?
Hold on a minute…
OMG… I don’t even know if I’m going to tell you what just happened here because you’ll think I’m making the shit up. But I couldn’t make this up even if I tried…
I’m sitting here in my home office (formerly known as the den) and through the shades I see flashing yellow lights. I look outside and there’s a flatbed truck… a tow truck. My heart starts freaking beating out of my chest.
I just made a car payment two days ago but am still a little behind. And they’ve been calling all day. So I run and get my A-Rod bat. Like what am I going to do with that… hit the guy in the head and hope he goes away?
So the truck rolls slowly up the street past my house and I’m like, Yessss, the idiots can’t find the house. Then it turns around and rolls past my house again. It’s going really slow and the guy in the passenger seat is looking at the mailboxes and of course my house numbers are reflective and glow-in-the-dark. But they keep moving along… to back into my driveway I figure.
I grab both sets of keys and start up the Subaru (the delinquent car) and try to back it up behind the house. But as I turn it on the freaking lights go on automatically and start screaming, Here I am, come and tow me away!
So I panic even more and back it up right into the basketball pole… the portable stupid basketball hoop that hasn’t been used in a year. So I move a little forward, a little back, a little forward, a little back, and I can’t cut it between the house and pole so I just leave it on an angle and jump into the Honda… or Nissan… whatever the Hell it is.
And then I hit the wrong button and the damn alarm starts honking away… OMG I’m sweating and hyperventilating and I can see the guy getting out of his truck and talking on his phone.
So I pull the Nissan (which is old and paid for) right up against the Subaru (which is going to be car-napped), grab the A-Rod bat and hide behind the car. The flashing lights are throwing shadows all over the place and I’m choking wooden A-Rod with both hands.
The evil truck is three houses away now and it begins to move again… but it stops… yes it stops… God it stops three houses away and lowers its bed or whatever the flat part is called.
OK hold on again while I go and see what’s going on…
Yesssssssssssssss! It’s gone… the flatbed is gone and the Subaru is safe tonight. Phew! Wow that kind of sucked.
Now what was I saying about my jaw…?