Archive for August, 2009

Dear Tumor Factory

Posted: August 8, 2009 in Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Dear Tumor Factory (or wherever it is that tumors come from),

ATTN: Cancer Division:

     OK I’ll begin with your department. While I’m thankful that you’ve left our family alone for a little while, I have a few suggestions.

  1. IF you feel the need to spread your ugly little tumors around to various individuals, why not narrow it down to certain groups? I’m thinking rapists, child molesters, people on Death Row… you get the gist.
  2. I understand that mistakes can happen and tumors can be sent to the wrong people. But two or three times in a lifetime is just a bit much. If a mistake is made, let that person overcome it and then LEAVE THEM ALONE.
  3. We’re in the middle of a recession here… you should be feeling it too. Can you say “layoffs”?
  4. And finally: this tumor stuff is so 20th century, don’t you think? Maybe it’s time to focus all of that energy towards something else. Have you thought about weight loss tumors, stress reduction tumors, or a tumor that limits wrinkles?

     As tumors, you should be using your awesome powers in a more productive and positive way. You’ve been outcasts for so long and now it’s time to make peace with the human body.


ATTN: Bone Tumor Division:

     I’m begging you to leave my ankle alone. I’ll admit that your first attack was very clever and yes, you baffled a lot of medical professionals and took a nice piece of my ankle with you. It took a lot of bone cement to fill in the gap you left. I had to be on crutches for weeks and I missed a lot of work.  Believe me; I can appreciate a brilliant and well thought-out plan and I was actually OK with it because you are benign.

     The second time was cute. You snuck back in there while we had our guard down but we got you… yup we scraped you out and replaced you with more bone cement. But you won again because it hurts to walk even more now. And you left behind some tendinitis. I also had to borrow money this time to save the house. But I got through it again and even added a second career to help get back on track.

     So now here we are again, tumor number three. You couldn’t just leave me alone. Things were on the upswing but I guess you didn’t really care much. The good thing is that we caught you early so if you were trying to prevent me from dancing with my daughter at her wedding in nine weeks, you failed. My tumor doctor is on to you this time. We’ll need to go in and do the old “scrape and fill” again and I’ll be on crutches for a little while. And yes you’ve probably set me back even more financially because they’ll be a period where I’ll be out of work but I’m going to beat you again.

     I’ll still be at the football field all day on Sundays looking after my MudHogs even if I’m on crutches or in a boot. I’ll fight like hell to keep the house and I’m still going to work even if it’s from my home office. I’ll still have my family and friends to lean on because that’s what family and friends do for each other.

     And the bottom line is that it’s MY ankle and you can’t have it. So save yourself from being scraped like bark from a twig and just go away. I have a life to live.